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Joke Archive

February 23, 2000 I met this gal in a bar and one thing lead to another. I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should do just fine." February 22, 2000 Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one." February 21, 2000 Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one." February 19, 2000 A big Texan ambles into a Dallas men's room and does a double-take at the little guy standing at the next urinal. He's holding his "snake" with two hands and smiling. The Texan asks "How long is that snake fella?" "14 inches." "Is that 14 inches soft?" "Yes." "Well how long is it when it's hard?" The little guy answers proudly, "I don't know - it takes so much blood, I faint!" February 17, 2000 John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door." February 15, 2000 While stationed in Saudi a few months ago. This guy gets a care package from his wife back home, containing a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows. So he invites a couple of his friends over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friends cock. After a few seconds, he comes in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce." February 14, 2000 Morris the salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." Morris agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmers daughter at his side. The next morning Morris asked for his bill. "It'll be just three dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said. "Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said. "Yes, I know," said the farmer... "Were going to bury her today." February 11, 2000 Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubbas house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda -Lou to show Jim her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do. Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "what are you doing Linda-Lou?" She replies "you told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality." Bubba then says "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Jims balls are on the cold floor." February 10, 2000 Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day. They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them will get in. He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Okay, your majesty, you may go in." Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the heck was that all about? I showed you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't." "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day." February 9, 2000 Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, He replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" February 7, 2000 A father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. On the way out to the first tee they are joking, boasting, and cussing. This is very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a fine looking woman carrying her clubs approaches them. She explains that her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree. Soon afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss in her presence. The lady then turns to the three of them and says, "Listen, boys, I don't care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game." She then proceeds to tee off. All eyes are on her butt she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for at least par on every hole. When they get to the 18th green, she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "I want to thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I have never shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt. If any of your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a night of hot sex that you'll never forget." The son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go into the cup." Then, the father says, "Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole, and fall into the cup." The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, "To hell with the putt, that's a Gimme." February 3, 2000 A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the bartender became suspicious. Again, he drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. A short while later, the man ordered yet another beer. The bartender finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?" The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink? February 2, 2000 A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes." He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend." February 1, 2000 A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the very corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows from the field on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks a gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she recently passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been together at since we were married in 1965. "Well, that's awfully sad. Still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral." January 31, 2000 While away at a convention, Morris happened to meet a young lady who was both beautiful and intelligent. Later, after he had persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he discovered with delight that she had a superb body, as well. Unfortunately, he found himself with a limp dick, unable to *perform.* Upon his return home, the first night, Morris strode from the shower into the bedroom, where he discovered his wife dressed in a rumpled bathrobe, hair up in curlers, night cream slathered on her face, munching Doritos while she flipped thru a 'Glamour' magazine. Without warning, he felt the familiar stirrings of a magnificent, throbbing erection. Looking down at this spectacle, he quietly snarled, "Why, you ungrateful, mixed-up, stupid son of a penis. Now I know why they call you a prick!" January 27, 2000 A gut meets a gorgeous woman at a bar. After an evening of drinking, they both go back to her place. Within minutes of arriving, they are on the bed. He removes her blouse and skirt. Then, he pulls off his pants and shirt. He gets on top, and begins to make love to her. After awhile, he notices that with each stroke he takes, her toes curl up. "WoW", he thinks, "I am GOOD!" and intensifies his thrusting. At this point, she stops him. "What's wrong?" he asks, "I thought you were enjoying this?" "I'd enjoy it more," she says, "if you took off my pantyhose." January 27, 2000 It is a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless, w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large male gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. ...and begins to get an erection. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her bra straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress above your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the arms, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, ......"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." January 26, 2000 After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..... January 25, 2000 Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly. "That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big." January 24, 2000 A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!" January 19, 2000 Little Johnny and his father were driving down the street when the boy noticed two dogs mating, "Daddy! What are those dogs doing?" asked little Johnny. "Well, son, that's how puppies are made," said Dad. "Oh," said Johnny thoughtfully and he sat quietly seeming to enjoy the rest of the ride. Later that night, Johnny walked past his parents bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door and sees his parents making love. "Daddy! What are you doing to Mommy?" Flustered, trying to cover up Dad says, "Ah, son, um, well, Mommy and me are making you a new brother or sister!" The boy thinks about this for a second and says "Well Dad, please turn her over......I want puppies!!" January 18, 2000 An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." 'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.' 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was just terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again. January 14, 2000 My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister. He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat." January 13, 2000 The Jayne Carroll Show is a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area ... On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton's $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons.The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included: Perjurers' Palace, Hillbilly Villa, The House of Bill's Repute, Drawers Downs, Cheatem Estates, Sin Simeon, The Knee Pad, The White Trash House, The Blight House, The Panderosa Liars' Lair, Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast, The Clinton Compost, Dogpatch on the Hudson, The Hen House, The Out House, The Love Shack, The House of Seven Felonies, Motel Sex. But the clear, hands down winner was "DisGraceland" January 12, 2000 An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only real men drive taxis in Rome." January 11, 2000 "What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said her closest friend. "Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired." January 10, 2000 A guy and his wife were in bed one night. The guy was reading a book. The wife, wanting to make love said, "Is that book so good you can't put it down or am I so bad you can't get it up?" January 7, 2000 A gynecologist decides that he no longer wants to be a doctor. As he's thinking about what he wants to do with his life, he decides that he wants to work on cars. So he goes to an automotive institute and takes all the necessary classes. The final exam requires him to take apart an engine, put it back together, and explain in writing his method. He completes the assignment and gives it to the instructor. When he gets the paper back, he has 150 percent. He was very excited, but curious about how he got 150 percent grade. He contacted the instructor for an answer. The instructor explained that he got 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together, and 50% for doing everything through the muffler. 1/6/2000 A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish." Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well,I came to golf so I'll finish the round." As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one. This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs." The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor. "It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?" A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, " What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does it's best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

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